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User talk:Gumball Inc
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the File:The Ice Cream One.jpg page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 10:33, December 2, 2014 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:55, December 3, 2014 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 12:55, December 3, 2014 (UTC) Story.. Starting with the smaller stuff, don't begin sentences with conjunctions. It is fine for dialogue, but in the story itself, it gives it a start-and-stop feel. There are additionally punctuation errors where commas are missing where a sentence would naturally pause. The ending is problematic. "Hey, if my Dad does something like... Pulls a gun on me or something, can you please help me? Nah, what am I saying.. He'll never do that, he loves us both! Well, maybe not so much you, but I'll tell him you're a real living thing, so maybe we can fix this. I'm about to run out of room on the paper, but, if things get out of hand... Let's finish what we started." Why does the protagonist assume the father would pull a gun on him? The running out of paper ending also feels rushed like you weren't sure of where to take the plot next so you just put a limit on the story. Then there are the plot issues. The father just comes off as a generic abusive father that is present in a lot of creepy pastas where his actions are cartoonish. "I hate you! You're not my son!" Your story has a lot of unanswered questions. What is Jubilation? (A robot) Why is the protagonist writing him a letter as opposed to talking to him? Where did the protagonist find it? Is it autonomous, if so, why can't the protagonist seem to activate it or communicate other than through letters? (Also unexplained) I assume the robot(?) is possessed by Jack's ghost, but that's quite the inference to expect readers to assume with the lack of detail. (What happened on the hunting trip?) Your story is really lacking in explanation and while a little mystery is intriguing, a lot of unexplained occurrences is just frustrating. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:12, December 4, 2014 (UTC) Re: The category issue was not why the story was removed, although it is important to use the Genre Listing to find out the usable categories as the next infraction can end in a day-long ban. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:13, December 4, 2014 (UTC) Re: The category issue was not why the story was removed, although it is important to use the Genre Listing to find out the usable categories as the next infraction can end in a day-long ban. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:13, December 4, 2014 (UTC)